Chapter 34: Dad

Elvirina

“Dad...” I tried to call his attention to me. Dinner was done and before he could make a quick escape I needed to talk to him like I promised Blake. Mom was still here and so were Joshwin and Blake. If there ever was a perfect situation, this was it. He looked up shortly before he glanced at my mother with a strange conflicted gaze then he looked down. “Dad, I have something to tell you. We have something to tell you.” I breathed slowly to maintain the fraction of control that I had. I hadn't confronted him like this before. He couldn't avoid me if I spoke directly to him. Dad looked at Joshwin.

“You would want to hear this.” Joshwin answered simply. “Dad, please look at me.” I begged.

He didn't. He hesitated for a while and then abruptly got out of his chair. I deliberated for a split second and moved past Blake, following behind him to the kitchen. For once, Dew wasn't here.

“Dad?” He turned to stare at me with the usual hurtful emptiness. The distance was much worse than anything he could ever say to me. He could yell and scream at me all he wanted, but it wouldn’t pain me as much as his indifference. “Will you listen to what I have to say?” I shaped my voice around a firm tone. I wasn't going to let his emptiness steal my happiness. He should know how I felt.

“Yes.” He answered evenly.

I hesitated, while gathering the courage to disclose what was going on under his roof. “I have asked Blake to marry me.” I said softly and waited for a response. He said nothing but his face showed utter surprise. “He hasn't accepted yet, but he will be coming and going here as he pleases. I want you to treat him as any other possible second husband should be treated.” He still didn't answer, so I kept my voice business like just hashing out all the details that he needed. “Joshwin and I have agreed this is what we want. Blake is my choice and Joshwin gave me his blessing. So there is nothing you can say to refuse this. Blake understands how we live and has partially accepted it. I know it is impossible for you to understand why I would choose him, but I love him. I desperately hope that he loves me enough to say yes.” I paused for moment. “I know I'm a disappointment to you, but you are still my dad... I know you don't agree with my choices, but they are mine. I'm grown. I'm not a little girl anymore. I live with my choices and you can't change them for me.” I blabbered on. I could see words forming in his mouth, but silence was his chosen weapon. “Dad, please talk to me.” I begged. “I'm sorry that I stopped being your daughter. I'm sorry you can't love me anymore.” Feeling grief rise inside of me, I erratically threw my arms around his waist and clung to him desperate for some kind of response. After few moments, he thawed his frozen stance and closed me into his embrace. In his arms, I was still a little girl, even though I proclaimed to be an adult. I felt his body soften and a pure joyful moment erupted at the sign of his endearment.

“Oh daughter, I do love you. It's me that I don't trust. I haven't been a father to you. If I had acted correctly, you would have been spared all the pain. If I stayed away from you, I couldn't hurt you.” Dad's voice was deep and grave.

I looked up at his strong bearded face. “Dad?!?” I mumbled stunned. Confused that I'd finally gotten a response out of him. what was he saying? He blamed himself?

“I am so sorry. You are my only child, my heart and soul, and I didn't protect you.” My dad’s deep voice thickened.

“Dad, none of it was your fault.” I unlocked my arms a fraction still looking up at his changed face. It was soft and loving as I remembered it. The way he used to look at me.

“Sure it is. You shouldn't have suffered like you did.”

“That doesn't matter now.” I tried to hold in my tears of joy.

“I don't disapprove of your choices, sweetheart. I think you have done remarkably well, all things considered.”

“You do? Then please forgive me for all my stupid mistakes.” I hugged myself closer to his massive frame again, feeling more like a pixie doll.

“It's myself that I can't forgive.” I could feel him press his lips against the top of my head.

“What?” I looked up at him utterly confused. “But when you released me... you were so... so cold.” I still remember too clearly the lack of any kind of emotion on his face.

He grinned ashamed. “No, daughter. I wasn't cold. I was sedated. You’re mom had to fix me a little something. Otherwise, I could never have gone through it without falling apart. She promised not to interfere between us. I chose to distance myself, so I couldn’t hurt you. I just didn’t realize my detachment hurt you more. I am such an idiot.” He mumbled thickly.

“What?!?” I blurted.

“I couldn't bear to release you. I couldn't correct my mistake and make everything better for you and you were taken away so quickly again. You wanted my release. I just didn't know how to do that.”

“All this time, I thought you didn't care.” Tears broke the surface, when the deep painful truth saw the light of day. All I wanted was for my dad to love me.

“I do care. I just can't forgive myself.”

“How about I do it for you then, even though I don't think you need forgiveness. Dad, I'm happy, truly happy.”

“I guess that is the only thing that matters, isn't it?” He said and looked down at me adoringly.

“I think so, but I still need my father. Sure, I am released from you, I have my commitment to Joshwin and perhaps a second husband on the way, but a dad can never be replaced.”

He smiled reluctantly. “I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you.”

“I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you sooner.” I choked out.

“There are a lot of sorrys between us, huh?”

I grinned. “Blake says I need to stop staying I'm sorry all the time, perhaps you should too.”

“So how about Blake... how are you ever going to make that work?” He looked down at me slightly amused and ran a hand over his beard.

“I don't have the faintest idea, but I hope you will learn to approve of him someday.” I wiggled out of his arms and hoisted myself to the kitchen table.

“Actually, I don't disapprove of him. Well, I do as he did cause the break between you and Joshwin. He stole my daughter, her future and he caused you a great deal of pain, but he has been nothing but willing to redeem himself when understood the problems he had caused. That makes him a good person. I don't know him that well, but he appears to be a decent human being. But daughter, I hope you understand the complications.” Dad looked at me gravely.

“I do and we are facing them together. We will face things as they come and not anticipate problems in advance, but we all understand the predicament our relationship may cause. That's why we are keeping it a secret. Only people in this house know I'm dating Blake.”

“Dating?” Dad’s eyebrows shot up surprised.

“Blake's idea, the human way. I am his girlfriend.” I shrugged and Dad laughed very shortly.

“Oh... I think it is a wise choice to keep this to yourself.” Dad placed a gentle hand against my cheek.

“We are telling everyone here when Blake has made up his mind.”

“And when will that be?”

“Who knows, this can't be easy for him.” I said chagrinned.

“But he understands what Joshwin is to you? That it is more than a friendship with a soul mate.” Dad’s eyes bored at me earnestly, like he was reading my soul along with my secrets. I hoped that I could hide the blood draining from my face. Joshwin and I were more than just friends, but not in the way he meant. He knew nothing about our lack of intimacy nor would he ever.

“Yes, Blake understands.” I said, keeping it short.

“Good... I don't understand jealousy, but I know it can be a very powerful feeling.” Dad warned pointedly. I pondered for a moment.

“So you never get jealous at Dew or Junius?”

“No. Well, only Dew because you mother likes his cooking so much.” For the first time in so long, I saw my father’s face turn up in the warm lines of a warm smile just for me.

“So you will accept Blake in our house?” I asked, needing the lines to be perfectly clear.

“If you love him then I will accept him.”

“I love him dad.”

“Then I’ll accept him.” He grew quiet and his face turned serious. “In all my years, I've never seen anyone go through the transformation as fast as you did.”

“Was it that bad?”

“Yes it was. You took all of two days... what you went through should take absolutely no less than three months. This should have been such a happy time for you and look what happened...” He voice grew thick again.

“But I am happy dad.”

“That makes me happy... I missed you so much.” He hugged me again, while I awkwardly sat on the kitchen counter. He pulled back after a moment and gazed imploringly down at me. “Just as your transformation was strong and perhaps confusing, so will the next time be for you. Daughter, be very careful with your time. You need to balance out your love and devotion for Joshwin with your feelings for Blake.”

“Dad...” I groaned, unwilling to have that conversation.

“You might be young and in love. You might think this is fun and exciting…” I rolled my eyes at him and my dad’s jaw clenched at my obvious ridicule.” Listen, Elvirina!” He insisted starkly, glaring at me. “I am not kidding. This is serious business. You just told me you were an adult, so act like one! Be careful not to drown out one in favor of the other. Remember to treat them as equals. Perhaps they will be brothers one day. It worries me that one of them wasn't born into our ways, so prepare yourself that he might never fully understand. He might not want this life for himself.” I could see the message in his words. I really needed to balance things correctly. My new situation had hazardous and unpredictable written all over it. “Think about this from Joshwin’s point of view. He is a soul mate and you belong to him as he does to you. What is fun for you right now is not going to be fun for him. It takes a lot of strength to set your soul mate free and he has done it so soon, probably before he was even ready to do it. You two should have had years where you were exclusive, not weeks. Joshwin is going to stand by you, support you, and still love you when you are going to be intimate with someone else.  Think about what that is going to be like for Joshwin. He loves you with everything that he is, but you are on rocky ground and unfamiliar territory. You have to acknowledge that and appreciate the consequences all that uncertainty has. You need to recognize that you are inevitably going to hurt him no matter how much you don’t want to and it is going to happen with a man that doesn’t know if he wants this life. He just gave up his life’s essence because that is our culture, because he has to and because it is unavoidable.” My dad’s strong gaze was unfaltering.

“You’re wrong about one thing, dad.” I said quietly.

“What?”

“Blake and I aren’t going to… you know until after he accepts or not.” I muttered, not able to say those exact words to my dad. “But I want you to know that I understand and appreciate what you are saying.”

“Thank you.” He murmured and sighed. “I have been where Joshwin is now. Sure, our road was a lot smoother with Dew because he understood and it is his culture, but that didn’t make the time any less hurtful for me. Just remember to always consider Joshwin whenever you make a move and I will have his back when you forget.” I opened my mouth to protest, but Dad silenced me by putting his finger across my lips. “At times, you will forget.” He finished simply. “And I will be watching Blake like a hawk.” He smiled overbearingly.

I hugged Dad crushingly close when our first conversation in a long time ended. It was a good one, a bit uncomfortable and awkward, but still worth it. I was forgiven and I had my father back. I went to the communal room to find Joshwin to tell him how it all worked out. He wasn't there. I found him out front and I couldn't help but throw myself into his arms. I was so happy. Tears of unspoiled joy bounced from my eyes as Joshwin held me tight.

“He forgave me.” I snorted against his shoulder.

“I'm so happy for you.” He said honestly with his face buried in my neck. “What did he say about Blake?”

“He accepts him as long as it is my choice.”

“Good. I hope this makes it easier for you.” Joshwin squeezed me tighter.

“I didn't hear the half of that conversation, but it sounds optimistic.” Blake said pointing out the fact that one of his conditions was broken - Joshwin spoke mental.

I climbed off Joshwin. “Sorry.” He mumbled.

“All is good.” I beamed. I could see how awkward a conversation would sound when he only heard my response.

“I sort of got that.” Blake chuckled.

I remembered who truly was to thank for my courage to finally confront my father and my father’s word to treat them as equals, brothers, and not to drown out one in favor of the other. I tossed my arms around Blake as well. His response wasn't exuberant as Joshwin – but resigned. Uncomfortable.

“He wants to say goodnight. Be discreet.” I guessed I heard Joshwin say mentally and not out loud. I heard footsteps as Joshwin left.

Reminded of another rule, there might be suspicious eyes on this side of the house. I took Blake's hand and led him to the back of the house.

“It is good that he knows what is expected, when I have absolutely no idea what the hell I am supposed to do.” Blake's embrace was much warmer when Joshwin was out of sight and we were alone.

“You're doing well.” I touched my fingers to his face. It still took me by surprise that I was officially allowed to do this. I pulled his face to mine and kissed him.

“I have to go... I have practice before classes, so I have to get up very fucking early.” His lips played around mine for a moment before he spoke again. “Will you finally be at school again tomorrow?”

“No.”

“I will find a way to get you there again.” Blake mused and grazed his nose against my cheek. It tingled playfully spicing my happiness.

“I'm not going back.”

“There's no reason not to... you don't seem to be avoiding me anymore.” His lips slipped softly against my ear when he spoke.

“Don't push.” I mumbled, but my mind was pulled in another direction.

“Okay, but I really do have to go... “ Blake pulled me securely into his gridlocked arms and started whispering in my ear. “Today was a very good day... and tonight I will be having very improper dreams about you.” I was locked in firmly when his voice registered in my mind and jolted unexpectedly throughout my body. “I'll see you soon.” He finished. He kissed me softly before leaving me dumbfounded and needy on the porch. What a simple touch and a word could do.

With Blake gone, I really felt the stabbing cold as I had forgotten to put on a jacket. With wobbly knees, I moved inside again. I hunted up my dad and insisted he ran over me in a game of ten thousand. He didn't put up a fight. It was inconceivably nice to hear the rattle of the dices in the cup and the bang when it hit the table. It convinced me that I really was in my father’s heart. I was safe and loved again. We played for hours. I didn't win one single game.

I headed for bed alongside Joshwin and deliberated whether to bring his successful authority demeaning assault up again. I decided not to and settled for appreciating what he had already given me, remembering my father’s words. Respecting him was only fair and honest, and not that unreasonable. I could wait. Blake and I could wait.

Monday again and I hated it. It meant Joshwin would be away at school and I would be here alone. I spent the morning pondering the changes that were coming. Yesterday had been above heavenly, but couldn't it really be true? Could it? I literally pinched my arm checking to see if it wasn't just an obscure dream that would resolve as soon as I woke. Was I truly allowed to have Blake? Joshwin had given us his blessing and Blake, in his own way, had halfway accepted as much as he could for now. This could very possibly work. A pain jabbed at my arm where I pinched. No, I wasn't sleeping.

The shower in the bathroom turned off. It didn't take long for Joshwin to finish getting ready for school. I already missed him. We hadn't spoken since yesterday and the look on Joshwin's face told me that he expected something. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer. “I am not going to mention your... request from yesterday.” I said.

He smiled ruefully. “You just did.”

“Joshwin, I love you more than my own life and I will respect... correct that we will respect your wishes.” I couldn't stop speaking as my instincts took hold of my mind. I fought, but I lost.

“That means everything to me.” Joshwin smiled a beautiful and relieved smile.

“I'm glad.” As on the porch yesterday,  I found my voice and my eyes hardened. My voice changed. “I would prefer if you do not put me in a position like you did yesterday. If you have problems with our traditions again... talk to me privately.”

Joshwin's smile faded. “Yes.” He answered obedient.

“Good.” The strange out of body experience and use of my powers crept from my body. I sat on my bed bombed back by my actions. Now I wasn't just pushed by hormones, but authority was also picking at my mind. What the hell was going on with me? Joshwin kept standing at the door to the bathroom studying me. I tried to shake my head as to shake what just came over me. Guilt. that I had just done that to Joshwin, smacked me right in the face. What the hell was I turning into?

“It's all part of growing up.” Joshwin said and finally moved. “It's expected of you.”

I nodded. I knew that, but no way on this sweet Earth did I understand why I would ever talk to Joshwin like that. I had heard my mother do it a few times, but that was years ago. A long time before, I had seen it for what it really was. I was ashamed.

Joshwin left for school with words 'I love you' and a few friendly kisses.

I was growing up, but there were more things that I needed to understand. My entire family situation, was one. I skipped my shower and found clothes matching any kind of outdoor activity that Kasardian was doing. I snatched some bread from the kitchen counter and swallowed half an orange in one bite. Well, almost. I moved out into the stabbing cold to find Kasardian. Snow was falling hypnotically from the sky. I stepped onto the ground and tilted my head far back until the icy flickers of white landed weightlessly on my face and melted on impact. I opened my mouth and let a few fall on my tongue. They had no taste. The season had changed and so had my life. I was moving forward faster than I feared that I could manage. I had to toughen up. I was the head of my family. I had to protect and make sure my family was safe.

I found Kasardian in the shed making sure winters supply of onions, seeds and other crops were protected against the cold.

“Can I help?”

“It is nice to see you out here again.” He smiled warmly and one arm hugged me like he used to. It felt so good. Warm. He kissed the top of my head.

“So what do you want me to do?” I figured it was best to have my hands busy when diving into the topic that both he and Saddettin were so adamant to avoid. He handed me a box different sorted seeds to fill into bags and label. They would be used for next year’s crop, basically meaning breakfast, lunch and dinner. I had other concerns on my mind, perhaps this time I should listen to my dad and use his experience. “I did something to Joshwin this morning.” Even thinking about it made me feel guilty. My instincts had a strange shape inside of me. Dad turned and looked alert at my face. “I rebuked him.” I mumbled.

“Oh daughter... there's always going to be a first.” Dad smiled understandingly.

“I didn't mean to.” I let the tiny grains slide from my fingers into to the bag.

“What did he do?”

“Interfered... between Blake and I.”

Dad evaluated. “I'm sure he had his reasons.”

“He did, but I didn't want to do it. It just came out of me, unintended.” I shrugged remorsefully.

“It is in your nature.” He said not looking bothered at all.

“I know, but I don't like it.”

“That's understandable.”

“Dad. Can I ask you something else?” I fiddled with the labels and wrote the name of the seed and stuck it onto the small bag.

“Sure.” He grinned.

“Tell me the truth. Why do we live out here?” His face closed off again. It was the same as I had seen it for months. He was distant. “There is something...isn't there?” I pushed. I felt the instincts move around inside me again, but this wasn't Joshwin, it was dad. My authority had no place here.

“I can't tell you.” He answered curtly, not looking at my face. He packed onions in sheets and stuffed in the boxes under the table.

“Why?” I demanded.

“It would be the same as Joshwin did yesterday, only I would be defying your mother and I cannot do that.” Dad's eyes mentally begged me not to push.

“Huh... women really do have the power.”

Dad laughed. “Absolutely.” But there was something behind the sound.

“I will ask mom then.” I finished and he stiffened beside me. I finished labeling the bags under a rain shower of questions about everything. Dad’s mood was excellent, but I couldn't keep my mind from wondering why we lived out here alone and was Dad so chatty because he didn't want to dig further?