Chapter 41: Balance

Elvirina

As we sat on the porch the morning after marrying Blake, days had turned into weeks and weeks had turned into a few months.

I turned the water on and switched the knob directly to cold. I needed an ice cold shower to drown out my catastrophic humiliation. I stepped in and let the freezing drops prick angrily at my skin. I forced myself to poke my head fully under the spray to remove the color in my cheeks. They were red and burning. The frosty water gave me a raging headache and my skin reacted defensively. I hated the cold, but it was my only weapon right now. After a few seconds, I gave up and turned on the warm water to replace the cold. At least, that eased the nasty headache. I heard the familiar squeak from the door. I groaned. Why didn't I lock it when I had the chance?

“Ah, sweetheart. Don't be mad,” Blake apologized from the other side of the shower curtain.

“I'm not mad,” I articulated every word through my teeth. No, anger wasn't the problem. Humiliation was.

“I'm sorry.” Blake was closer now, but I closed my eyes hard trying to soothe the sigh coursing from my lungs. He had nothing to apologize for. I was the stupid one and that was stupid with a capital S.

“Don't apologize Blake. It wasn't exactly your fault.” I tilted my head up and let the water hit my face directly. Would he please just go away and leave me to suffer all by myself?

“I know you're mad.” His voice was suddenly in the confines of the small shower. I squealed, after seeing his head poked behind the curtain.

“Don't!” I said trying not to sound too harsh, while refusing his presence. Blake didn't listen and stepped in.

“You know... what just happened is very high up on every guy’s list 'of how I'd like to wake up'.” He grinned and dimples started to shape his face.

“Shut up,” I grumbled looking down, but Blake didn't let me. With a finger under my chin, he lifted my face back up.

“Elvia, it is fine.” He pressed his lips lightly to mine.

“I thought you were awake,” I mumbled. Embarrassment made my face searing hot again. I longed for more cold water.

“Well, I wasn't.” Blake shrugged with indifference, like this was no big deal and traced a finger over my bottom lip.

“But...” I started, when he cut me off.

“A morning hard on is a rather common male reaction, especially if you wake up next to a wife like you.” Blake's voice changed to utterly persuasive. He kissed me again, deeper this time. Soft, but demanding movements of his mouth started to cloud my judgment, however not enough to drown out the humiliation.

“It is so embarrassing,” I complained under his lips.

“No, it's not,” he crooned. His fingertips delicately traced across my collarbone, purposely sliding down over the tip of my breast. The water streaming in torrents down his neck and continuing over his chest distracted me. His lips got more persuasive and at the same time I felt a caress at the inside of my thigh, smoothing playfully against my skin and provoking me. I was already alight with desire.

“What are you doing?” I feigned a lack of interest. My head fell back against the wall and I let the warm drops splash on my face, enjoying the expertise of his hand.

“Finishing what you started… and this time...“ He lifted his head slightly and smiled wickedly. “I am awake,” he grinned boyishly before kissing me hungrily. I wanted to complain, but Blake's very capable hand had already found the tender spot between my legs, which persuaded me not to protest further. I completely gave in. An unsubtle moan fled my throat and my mind fogged.

“Why do the two of you always insist on making the rest of us late?” Serenity barked annoyed, when I descended the stairs.

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“I don't care. Just stop being late all the time!” She complained as her voice shot up exasperated.

“Morning.” Joshwin said, while finishing his breakfast. “How'd you sleep?” He asked. Wrong question. My cheeks heated brutally again and what had happened in the bathroom floated to the surface. I couldn't believe he had done that, well, several things, and that I had said what I did. It was so unlike me, but to my luck, I was pretty sure that the water had drowned out my vulgar words.

“Fine,” I admitted.

“Oh, crap. I'm so fucking late.” Blake acknowledged, throwing a glance at his watch. He jumped the last few steps.

“Did you not hear a word I just said?” Serenity sneered increasingly irritated.

“Morning to you too,” Blake mocked. “I gotta go.” He snatched a roll from the breadbasket and shoved two apples in his pocket. “I'll see you later.” He pecked me on the lips. “Hey, Joshwin. I found that new clutch for your car on the web last night. I left the info in my room. The guy is waiting for you to call.” Blake chewed off a piece of bread before hefted his bag over his shoulder and was out the door.

“Thanks,” Joshwin said, but Blake was already out of hearing range.

The school was tedious. Classes weren't challenging. They were boring. I'd much rather be at home where it was easier to breathe and where I could smile at Blake the way I wanted to, but here we had a facade to maintain. At school, they knew nothing about our secret life.

The car took the final turn to into the parking lot and I threw my shoes on. I slid the gold band off my finger and placed it on my necklace, just like I did every day. The ring fell in with the drop shaped ornament and locket with our names. I closed the chain around my neck and rubbed my empty finger.

Joshwin took my hand and followed Serenity and me to our first class, just like he did every day. Blake was discretely waiting for me, like he did every day.  At the sight of us, Blake’s friend, Beth, turned and disappeared down the hall, just like she did every day. This was our daily routine.

“When do you think people will figure out what’s going on?” Blake asked with a sarcastic smile. He enjoyed the thrill of our little secret.

“Not until we decide to let them in on it.” I answered. Students were crowding the halls making their way to their classes.

“I'll see you later,” Joshwin said quietly.

“See you.” I added in. Joshwin tilted my head up and put his lips to mine in what I knew would be a too short kiss.

“Hmm,” he hummed softly. He smiled while he leaned his forehead against mine for a brief second tapping into my feelings. For some odd reason, he was giving me far more intimacy than I expected. From the corner of my eye, I saw Blake turn his attention toward Serenity, basically in an effort not to look at the short warm moment between Joshwin and me. Ugh, we still had a few things to get used to.

“See you.” Joshwin repeated, just before he stalked down the hall.

“Later.” Serenity and Blake said at the same time. Blake was still not looking at either Joshwin or me.

“It will get easier.” I promised Blake turning towards him.

“I damn well hope so.” He exhaled loudly.

“Seriously, get used to it or you're in for a long life.” Serenity rolled her eyes at Blake, smirking. Publicly, Serenity hated Blake, but I wasn't sure that she really loathed him anymore. They naturally just had so much in common. Most of the animosity between them was just them going toe to toe with neither of them backing down.

“Thanks,” Blake called after her in that same mocking tone, before he turned his attention to me. “You know what makes me happy?” He asked his eyes were smoldering.

“No.”

“You,” he whispered. “And you and me.” He paused. “You know what else?”

“No.” I felt the tingle from him intensify.

“That you have given me a home, somewhere to belong,” he said solemnly.

“We do belong together,” I agreed. I noticed a few classmates passing giving Blake and me the evil eye. I knew we had to be careful, but right now I didn't care. I was just happy I got have him in my life. Things had worked out better than anyone could ever have imagined. I also knew it was hard to hide that I was desperately in love with him. However, anyone, who knew us, were led to believe that Blake and I were forming a friendship, not as husband and wife or lovers, but just as friends. If they were smart and looked closely enough, our love probably wouldn't be hard to notice.

“Yes, we do.” He agreed with a triumphant smile. He touched the small cluster of items on my necklace and his finger purposely slipped and he touched the skin on my chest. “The thing I don't like so much right now.” He paused again, choosing his words. “Is that he gets to kiss you in public and I don't.”

“Blake...” I complained. It had been his idea that our arrangement and our public show were like this; Joshwin and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. Blake and I were friends and none of us were married or even brothers, for that matter. No one on the outside was informed that Joshwin and I had our commitment and shortly after, I had taken my second husband, Blake.

“No, Elvia, this is what we agreed and it’s perfectly fine, but you can't really blame me for wanting to show a little affection right now?” He gave me a boyish grin.

“I guess not. You know that I love you, right?”

“I do.”

“Now that makes me happy.” I could feel a smile pull at my lips.

“Good,” Blake answered satisfied

“And how badly do you wanna kiss me right now?” I dared, trying to hide a snide smirk.

“Don't tease.”

“I'm not teasing.” I tried to sound alluring, but didn't really convince myself.

“Desperately, seems to be adequate.” Blake gritted his teeth and looked like he was seriously considering my temptation and knowing that I wouldn't put up many objections with my poorly tamed hormones. He smiled and touched my necklace again.

“Then go for it.” I offered willingly.

“If you two lovebirds are done here, I would like to get my class started!” Mr. Brenner said, raising a brow indicating a no-more-interruptions-from-you-two look. “If you don't mind.” Mr. Brenner passed us entering the class. I followed behind Mr. Brenner and walked toward my usual seat next to Serenity.

“You are so bad.” I could barely hear Blake’s words, but I felt his subtle graze down my arm and the tingle it left before Blake took his seat.

Serenity leaned in and whispered overbearingly. “You probably should take it down a notch. I mean if you still intend for no one to know about you guys.”

“I'm not doing anything.” I breathed.

“Sure, you're not,” she drawled. “Seriously, even blind people can see it.”

“Fine,” I grumbled sourly. I knew that she was right. I just didn't seem to be able to help myself. Perhaps, I should take a self-control class. I looked around class checking if anyone had noticed Blake and I a few minutes ago. “I really don't get it. I hate it when they argue like that. I feel so...” I tuned the voice that I didn't recognize out. “I wish my brother would get of his high horse and just take me. It's not like anyone's gonna find out.” Nothing. I continued. “I wonder if it's normal... I wish I knew how to...” I stopped listening. No one had noticed a thing.

While lost in my own world, a small note folded multiple times landed on my desk, abruptly bringing me back to present time. I stared around and found a wicked slow smile on the face of my husband. I dropped my eyes and unfolded the small hard creased paper. I flushed violently staring at the few words. They would mean nothing to everyone else, but they meant everything to me. I knew exactly what he was saying. He had definitely heard those three little nasty words filled with desire that had slipped from my mouth in the shower this morning. I stared at the letters again and tried to control my breath.

I heard what you said

I sighed shamefully, while trying to push back the crimson color in my cheeks and ignore Blake. My world had changed, but somehow I was still playing catch up with my hormones. I had a freaking sex-life now, a good one. Besides that point, Blake and I had slowed down considerably when I learned he was just as inexperienced as I was, though, he didn’t know that. We had taken our time getting to know each other physically while letting things develop slowly and not rush anything. So this morning in the shower, there had been a few firsts. One of them was my mouth uttering for him to ‘fuck me’. I blushed deeply even thinking about it. How the hell did I manage to say that?

The rest of the day was uneventful. All I wanted was to go home.

I slipped into the back seat with Serenity and pulled the ring from my necklace and put it on my finger. I kicked my shoes off and waited for the car to pull in between the trees.

Late spring was warming everything around us and life was making an appearance. Kasardian was very busy in the garden these days, planting and readying for this year’s crops. Joshwin mostly worked alongside him. I spent the afternoon sitting on the ground below the porch, feeling life from the Earth run through me. I breathed deep enjoying the splurge of life pulsating in my veins. The best time of year was coming.

I watched Joshwin weeding around the strawberry plants. Our bond was strong, but physically we had drifted far apart completely. I hated it. His touches were a pale imitation to the strength of our bond. Nothing could tear us apart, but I was so lonely in our relationship. I had promised that I would wait for him, but never in a million years had I thought we would physically be drifting farther apart from one another. I was still as attracted to him as ever, but I kept it safely tied up and hidden away. I never let my desire free, not around Joshwin. I didn't give into my bodily need. He would never let me.

“What are you thinking about?” A husky welcome voice asked.

“You're home early.”

“Yeah. Practice was canceled.” Blake sat down next to me and folded his long legs. “What's on your mind? You look like a thundercloud.”

“Nothing.” I mumbled. Blake couldn't know how things were with Joshwin. It was none of his business.

“Fine,” Blake answered unconvincingly. He picked at a few strands of grass, before he looked at Joshwin for a long moment. “I got homework.” He stole a kiss before trotting off into the house.

“Enjoy,” I called after him. I heard him chuckle. He hated homework.

I helped Dew with dinner. He was skilled with a knife. Chopping onions, tomatoes and potatoes and dumping them into a dish. He made me look like Blake in a kitchen - who had been banned from helping with dinner. He was only allowed into the kitchen when dishes were to be cleaned. I rinsed the salad leaves while Dew finished everything else.

I was mulling over my homework when Joshwin came into my room and Blake followed closing the door behind him. I stared at them. Joshwin sat down on my bed and held out a square wrapped in fancy paper.

“What is this?” I eyed them nervously.

“Take it.” Joshwin held his hand out and jostled it, while inviting me to take it. I picked the square and ripped at the tape. Inside was a black velvet box, the kind that normally contained jewelry. I glared at Joshwin, he would never buy stuff like that and I didn't want it. He knew that. Feeling uncomfortable, I flipped the lid open and inside there wasn't jewelry, but a set of needles that I'd seen and used before. Though, these were much more elegant than the one that I had used on Joshwin's arms. Holy crap.

“Someone told me you had a sadistic side and someone else paid for them. I am your sheet of paper.” Joshwin smiled.

My eyes shifted to Blake. “Well, we could have you use the old ones and those are supposed to be the best, so enjoy.” Blake kissed my forehead before leaving us alone.

“But Joshwin we are not supposed to do this?” This was a sacred act only performed at a ceremonial commitment between soul mates.

“Who cares? I know you want to try and I kinda do too.” He shrugged.

“I do,” I blurted excited and picked up one of the needles. It fell perfectly into my hand, like a pencil shaped to fit only my fingers. I turned one over in my hand, eager to get started. “Can I try?”

“Yes, that was the general idea.” Joshwin held out another box, a bigger one. Ink. “So where would you want to start?”

I had no doubt. I had stared at it many times and it was perfect. “Your back... anything specific?” I beamed.

“Whatever you want to put there.” Joshwin grinned at my excitement, before he leaned in for a kiss. A glow of excitement flared when I felt the slight pressure of Joshwin's tongue parting my lips and he kissed me deeper than his familiar superficial graze. It felt unbelievably nice. It had been months since he kissed me with any kind of emotion. It was almost May.

Joshwin moved around stripping out of his shirt and lay down on his stomach. My skirt draped itself around my legs as I straddled across his waist. Running my hand over the soft texture of his back, I ignored the hungry needy monster inside me. I arranged the needles and ink at my bedside table and took a moment to sort through images in my head. Instinctively, I knew what to tattoo - our home and memories of us. I started at his shoulder blade. I couldn't help appreciate the ink spreading underneath the top layer of his skin at the first puncture.

“You're enjoying this again,” Joshwin grinned and his body rippled at the outburst.

“Be still... but yes.” I continued slowly tracing patterns. Now and again, I felt muscles tighten or a slight wince from Joshwin, but I just kept going. This is just as magically as the first time at our commitment. “How big can I make this?”

“As big as you want.”

“You don't really want to have a say in it?” I asked incredulously at his response.

“No. I trust you will do your best and worst to me.” Joshwin's laugh made my canvas shake again.

“You better... be still.” I admonished again, pretending to be annoyed. I kept drawing patterns for a while, almost having the time of my life. I barely noticed the light dimming in my room, before I detected how Joshwin's skin was moistened and his jaw clenched. “Does it hurt?”

He groaned a bit. “I think it’s all I can take for today.”

“Okay.” I answered reluctantly and moved off Joshwin's back. He didn't move.

“Give me a second... I don't want a head rush.” He buried his face in the sheets.

“Fine.” I turned away finding remedies to clean the needles. They were perfect to work with. Joshwin's stopped slacking on the bed and moved toward the bathroom. As he turned, my eyes smoothed over his chest and I abruptly closed them. There is no point thinking like that.

“This is pretty awesome,” Joshwin mumbled as he turned his back to the bathroom mirror, trying to get a good look at what I had done so far.

“You like it?” I tumbled off the bed and followed him to the bathroom.

“No...” he said evaluating. “I love it. Thank you.” He leaned over me and for the second time today kissed me with more intensity. It left me puzzled.

The spring sun sent fresh vibrating rays of light into my room. Blake was breathing heavily next to me. With my eyes on his elegant face, I couldn't quite figure out why I was allowed to be so happy. Blake fit into to our life as if he never belonged anywhere else. I loved him and he loved me. We were perfect. I pushed my fingers into his not so short hair, smiling at his refusal to cut it. With the length came a subtle wave to it and over the winter, it seemed to darken. He wasn't as blond as when I first met him.

Blake never officially moved here, but at some point, he just stopped going home or to his parents place, as he put it. His room carried all the evidence that he was a permanent resident. Closet was stacked with clothes, undone bed, messy desk cluttered with schoolbooks, basketball jerseys and other kinds of sporting goods. The latest installment was a flat-screen TV attached to the wall. He was the only one here who actually spent time watching TV. Sure we had one, but Blake didn't care to watch television on something produced in the previous millennium. He wasn't the reading type and on occasion, we would watch a movie together.

My stomach churned uneasily when I let my fingers run the length of his nose. The air started to feel sticky and hot, which was odd considering it was spring and it wasn't that warm yet, just crispy and fresh. I breathed in deeper, but the air was still heavy and unappetizing. I knew that I was hungry, but a strange aversion to eat ran up my esophagus and left a sour taste in my mouth. A sticky sheen of sweat formed over my chest and face as I got off the bed and pulled the window fully open. The cool morning breeze released some of my discomfort and settled my stomach. I pulled Blake heavy hooded sweater over my body settling in the chair in front of the window. Slowly, I dozed off caressed by my treasured wind.

“We have to get up.” Blake softly broke though my unconsciousness. He stroked my cheek. “Why are you sitting here?”

“I felt like it.” I breathed deep through my nose. I could pick out the scents proving early signs of the pending summer. Fresh grass, trees coming into leaf and flowers blossoming early. The scent was heavenly. Today was the day.

Blake kissed me a few times and smiled, before heading for a shower. I considered following, but the sweet spring smell held me captivated in the chair. I pulled my legs into the sweater and hugged my legs to my chest falling back into a meditative state. I always loved when the first day of summer knocked, but stomach churned uneasy again. I ignored it with a deep breath. The sound of running water turned off in the bathroom and my tiny tranquil time with Earth’s presence would be over too soon.  A new day was knocking and so was school.

Blake moved around picking up clothes, while putting on underwear and pants.

“Elvie.” The soft rap on the door followed the same time as the calling of my name. Joshwin fully respected knocking, but it wasn't hard for him to tell when he would be unwelcomed. Our arrangement to block him tipped him off, but he showed Blake the same courtesy as Blake had treated him with. My soul mate and my husband had a strange profound respect for each other.

“Come on in, Joshwin.” Blake answered around the toothbrush stuck in his mouth. He starting pulling on a shirt, getting it stuck on the perturbing teeth cleaner and mumbled a few profanities behind the fabric. Multitasking wasn’t Blake’s forte.

“Morning,” Joshwin breathed. “Wow, I hadn't noticed.” He pulled in a deep breath through his nose.

“Noticed what?” Blake found his way through his shirt.

“Summer. It's today.” Joshwin mused cheerfully.

“Yes, I noticed.” I turned my head away from the window to see Joshwin. He knew what this was. Today would be one of the happiest days of the year.

“Yet another one of your freak tricks,” Blake mumbled finishing putting clothes on and brushing his teeth. “I'll see you at breakfast.” And he was out the door. Joshwin closed it and surprisingly came to sit with me. He lifted me from the chair, setting me down, resting on his lap. My head fell against his shoulder as I relished this unusual turn of events. Joshwin inviting closeness when we were alone. I snuggled in closer with a desperate need. Joshwin's confines around intimacy were a solid brick wall that I was rarely let behind.

“How are you feeling?” He pulled a few strands of hair back, tugging them in behind my ear.

“I feel fine.” The same time that I said it, my insides protested again. “Just hungry.”

“Okay,” he said quietly. I could feel Joshwin taking the summer spiced air deep into his lungs the same way I did. This was something I could never share with Blake. This deep connection with Earth that Joshwin and I had. He wouldn't understand how this made a Thumánn feel. The life running through our bodies and this day, with all living elements taking a first summer breath, was lost on Blake. This was the only place that I truly felt Blake and I were different. In our everyday life, I regularly forgot Blake wasn't born into our race.

“Are you sure you feel fine?” Joshwin asked after a while.

“Yes... but we have to get ready for school. We’ll be late.”

“Serenity will love that.” Joshwin turned my face to his and stared at me for a long time. “There is something...” he said pondering.

“Give it a rest and a few more minutes of this.” I closed my eyes again, leaning my head back to Joshwin's shoulder and concentrated on feeling life and him. Joshwin subtly sighed. This was the best time of year for us. Life was so young and vibrant.  We breathed it all in.

“We should get ready,” Joshwin whispered in my ear and broke though my bliss.

“Can't we just stay home?” I whined.

“You know we can't. You need perfect attendance.” Joshwin smiled beautifully and poked the tip of my nose. This was yet another one of Blake's stunts to keep me at the same semester as my family. I couldn't miss a single day of school.

“I liked you better when you were a bad influence,” I groaned.

“When have I ever been that? Besides, Blake will kill me if we skip classes. You would probably just blame me.”

“I would,” I grinned, unfolding my legs.

I showered quickly after Joshwin. We might not be intimate, but none of us hid our bodies. It was a strange non-sexual thing between us. While combing out my hair, I felt Joshwin's eyes overseeing my body with unusual attention. “What?”

“Nothing?” He grinned, probably ashamed that I'd caught him staring.

“If you don't tell me, I will stay home and I will tell Blake you made me do it,” I threatened.

“You asked for it. You've changed. Gotten rounder somehow.” He shielded his face dramatically like I was going to throw my brush at him.

I took the high road and gave him nothing. “So?” I raised an arrogant brow.

“So, nothing.” He said amused, probably looking right through my defense. The second that he was out of the bathroom, I looked down. I didn't see any change. My legs looked the same, so did my arms and stomach even the scrawny part of my chest called boobs. It all seemed the same to me. I gave up searching for the change and moved to find clothes. I snatched the pants from yesterday and I picked a t-shirt with short sleeves for today. I wanted to feel the wind and I didn't care if I might get cold. Not today – this happy glorious day.

At breakfast, the energy was humming. Mom and Kasardian were in an excellent mood. Junius had already disappeared into the woods a little sad. This was something that he normally did with Vasvár and this year he was doing it alone. Dew was already swinging pots in the kitchen. I was sure that he would have something special for this day. He always did.

School passed, as every other day. It was boring, but it gave me something to look forward to - going home again. Joshwin had kept looking at me strangely all throughout the day. The uneasy feeling in my stomach reappeared a few times, but every time I opened a window, it went away. It was my insides were itching to go home and connect with Earth.

At home, the house was empty with only a note and a map to follow. Serenity had found the same at her house. The sun was high in the sky and we brought sweaters just in case the evening got cold. I shoved the needle box, ink and paper in my pocket, just in case I would get a chance to continue on Joshwin's back. I copied the map for Blake for when he got back from practice and made sure Joshwin had his cell phone in case Blake wouldn't be able to find us. Serenity, Chrystan, Joshwin and I went treasure hunting to find where our parents had gone. For the first time this season, I took my shoes off and walked with my bare feet. I could literally feel the pulse jolt life through my body and at the same time the sun energized my skin. I felt alive.

We located our parents not far from the stony beach where we normally went cliff jumping. Our parents were scattered over the area absorbed in different activities. Dew had apparently dragged the old ghastly heavy iron pot here, built a fire and a tripod for it and had started cooking the evening’s meal. A few were hunting. Mom was picking herbs with Kasardian. Serenity quickly found Saddettin and clung to him like glue. Chrystan went to join the hunting party. Joshwin and I found a patch of fresh grass and lay down in the energizing sun. The rays licking my skin made me feel energized for a new season. I dared placing my hand inside his shirt, over his heart. I felt it beat strongly under my palm completely in sync with Earth's pulse. This day was heavenly. Joshwin pulled my face to his and with his every breath skating over my skin, I could sense his smell. It had been a long time since I'd felt this close to him.

“I love you.” I whispered.

“Not as I love you.” Joshwin sealed our moment of magic with a kiss, much deeper than what I was used to. We stayed put for a little while longer.

“Come,” I whispered remembering the boxes in my pocket.

“Where?”

I could imagine one place that would have the best lighting and would be absolutely private right now, the top of the cliff where I tried to cliff dive with Serenity last summer. I swallowed my fear of heights and Joshwin followed behind me as we found the narrow path climbing to the top. We moved upward in silence, concentrating on the ascend, when I sensed something sweet and familiar in the air. We were almost at the top. I barely hung onto the cliff at the view from the top. I immediately placed the smell, when I found Saddettin sitting with his chest bare. Fortunately, his shorts were on, but not closed. He glanced at us calmly with a joint in his hand and Oh dear Earth, Serenity laid stark naked beside him. This was a sight that I never wanted to see. I wasn't the only person who had considered this place private. Though, Joshwin and I were going here for completely different reasons.

“Serenity!” I complained in a strained huff and gripping onto a nearby cliff. “And I didn't think you smoked that stuff.” I sneered at Saddettin for something to say. I was stuck with Joshwin right behind me on the very narrow trail and what I didn't want to see in front of me.

“Oh... Elvirina, calm down. It's not like you haven't seen me naked before.” To my luck her shirt was nearby and she quickly put it on.

“Not like this?” I shut my eyes hard.

“What's going on?” Joshwin asked. Luckily for him, he was unable to see what I saw.

I decided it was better to climb to the top instead of going all the way back down. Saddettin hadn't said a word. He just calmly took another hit of the joint and left it dangling from his lips while he closed his pants. Joshwin merely laughed at me when he arrived at the top. Why was I always the only one embarrassed? I wasn't comfortable with other people’s nakedness, especially when it was pretty clear what we would have seen had we arrived ten minutes earlier. I simply didn't need to know. To my great annoyance, Joshwin was comfortable enough and he even asked for a whiff of what Saddettin was smoking. To top the whole thing off, they thought that I was being hilarious. Joshwin offered the joint to me.

“Unless you want me to do this high, I think I better pass.” I reclined. I shoved my hand in my pocket.

“Do what?” Serenity asked, after putting on her skirt back on thankfully.

Joshwin's face turned up in honest pride. “Watch this.” He handed the joint back to Saddettin and pulled his shirt over his head. Serenity's face fell open when she saw the out lining and some of the filling that I had done. In the sunlight, it looked even better.

“That's amazing. Did you do this, Elvie?” She asked, not caring one bit that I wasn't supposed to. The artwork was sacred and only for commitment of soul mates. I couldn't help, but feel some of Joshwin's pride as I nodded humbly.

“I'm glad you're getting some use out of those.” Saddettin leaned closer for better look. “It's beautiful.” I gawked at him. This was the first time that I had seen his long brown hair out of its usual tight braid. It looked odd.

Joshwin settled at the very rim of the stone plateau with his feet dangling over the edge. I swallowed my fear again as I sat down, unfolded my gear and started working. Joshwin winched a few times, but other than that he was stoic as always. By the turn of the sun, I noticed time passing, but my heart was deeply involved with working on the tattoo, so I didn't notice much else. I managed to finish the outlining of his other shoulder and a bit of filling, but the shape of what was in my mind was definitely coming to life on Joshwin's smooth olive skin. It was our life. It would be small memories, like everyone laced into each other when one day it was done. Something like Blake's decorated wall.

The light was dimming and making it impossible for me to continue. I also felt Joshwin had enough for today. I carefully packed the needle and ink, keeping it clean.

“You wanna head back down with us?” Serenity asked.

“No. We'll stay,” Joshwin said with a light smile. Serenity and Saddettin started their descent. “I want to be alone with you for a while.” Joshwin moved back from the ledge and wrapped me firmly in his arms. Against my back, I felt the pound of his heart in his chest. The sun was slowly gliding down behind the horizon revealing a breathtaking sunset.

“Why haven't we been here and seen this before?” I whispered.

“I don't know.” He mused in my head. He pressed his lips against my neck. A hand moved over my stomach under my shirt and l tried too late to catch the hope of intimacy thrashing through my veins. I couldn't reel them in. I still needed Joshwin. “I still can't...” And uneasy breath ran in through his nose. “But I want to be closer to you... I miss you terribly.” I stared bluntly at him. My heart refused to slow down, no matter how much I tried to center myself. A wind suddenly gusted over the plateau at the top of the cliff. “I know that we are slipping too far apart.” Joshwin traced his fingers over his chest where I felt them against my back.

“I know.” I wanted more than anything to be allowed close to him again. I turned to look at the very familiar distress on his face. “How close would be okay for you?” I swallowed grimly, trying to hide my loneliness that roared when I was with him.

His lips closed around mine when he pulled my face to his. I slowly reeled in my hope and let the amount of closeness that Joshwin could take be all that happened. He gently pushed me to my back and drew a hand under my shirt, skimming it along my upper body. He stroked my breast carefully, playing with his thumb over the tip. He kissed me again actually requesting depth when his tongue parted my lips. I let him in with a thrill that he asked for it. The intimacy was sweet and innocent like the time stolen from us, a time that was broken by me. The sun retrieved and leaving us with the memories of a day filled with happiness.

We followed the trail back down and I was staggeringly confused at Joshwin's approach. I didn't mind it one bit, but I was used to the deprivation that I felt when I was with him. Was he healing? Had enough time passed for Joshwin to be able to move on? I prayed to Earth that it could be true.

Back with the others, I was happy to see the last person of my family had arrived. During dinner, Joshwin helpfully informed Blake that I nearly stumbled off the cliff when I'd spotted who and what they had been doing at the top. Blake found that as great entertainment too.

“What else did you do?” Blake asked when he was able to talk undisturbed from laughing. Joshwin discretely pointed to his back. “I see.” Blake answered keeping our little secret.

Blake's face became darker and he grew tired. He needed more sleep then the rest of us and just after midnight before anybody else was ready to go, I followed Blake home. I sketched for a while when Blake fell asleep. I drew this glorious day and the beautiful sunset of the top of the cliff. The others got back when I was nestled close in Blake's arms.