Chapter 38: Dropping Bombs

Elvirina

Together we decided to invite everyone over for dinner at our place. Joshwin called Blake to let him know when he should be back. My insides were liquid in incapacitation and nervousness. We decided that we were going for the complete truth – just not all of it. We would leave out parts regarding my suicide attempt and virginity. Tonight everyone would be told about who Blake was and that we were getting married.

I stalked Serenity to let her know before everyone else. She would have my head on a platter if she were told the same time as everyone else.

“Okay, if you smile any harder your face is going to break.” She chimed like a bell when I found her in her bathroom. She was trimming the ends of her hair over the sink.

“I know. Ask me why.”

“Hmm... It’s got to be something good. Did Joshwin finally kick Blake's ass and he is leaving for good I saw his car here again this morning,” she grumbled the last part.

I pursed my lips. “Can I have the scissors please?”

“Sure.” She slung her hair over her shoulder expecting help with the trimming rather than my fear of getting stabbed when I delivered the news.

“Not exactly.” I held my breath. I was sure this wasn't good news to her, no matter how great it was to me. Serenity didn’t really approve of Blake. “Blake isn't going anywhere. He is kind of staying... permanently.” My voice faded to almost inaudible. Serenity's chocolate eyes found mine in the mirror. They were wide and calculating. Her lips moved into a feminine pout.

“So he said yes?” She said evenly. I nodded. Carefully, I put the scissors to her hair and helped trim the ends for something to do other than looking visible beaten in her dark eyes. “I love you Elvirina, but if tingle boy steps a foot out of place, I will lock up Saddettin and I will have a go at him – for good!”

“So besides your urges to resolve to violence are you not just a little happy for me?” I held my breath and hoped. She slowly turned to face me, instead of staring at my reflection in the mirror. Her voice was softer when she spoke this time.

“I am very happy for you, because I know how much you love him.” Her long slim arms came around me in a congratulatory hug. “I just hope he loves you as much as you do him.”

“He does.”

“Then I approve of him. Just don't expect me to be all sisterly toward him. He still needs to prove to me that he is worthy of you.”

“Thank you.” Once again overcome with happiness I felt joyful tears pool in my eyes. I bet it wouldn't be the last time either. Serenity's support was almost as important as Kasardian's.

“Can I ask one thing?” The darkness in her eyes deepened, waiting for me to answer. I wasn't sure that I wanted to reply.

“What?”

“What’s it like? With someone other than Joshwin?”

I swallowed hard. My throat was dry. Color drained from my cheeks. I begged to Earth that she didn't notice. I knew exactly what she was asking. I cleared my throat. “Besides the first time with Blake, I wouldn't know. We haven't gone there yet.” I answered carefully avoiding any kind of details that would disclose Joshwin and my situation. “Why are you asking?”

“I was just wondering.” She paused and shrugged. “I know what it’s like to be with Saddettin, but I figured men are very different. Also it might be relevant for us soon.”

“What do you mean?” I asked knowing what she was talking about. Saddettin already told me this part.

“There is something that I have been keeping from you too.” She paused with a sad smile. !Elvie, Saddettin and I will be leaving soon. When the school semester is done, we are moving to Hananjii to stay with his parents.” She turned to face the mirror again.

“What about all the stuff about when our parents left that place?”

”It shouldn't be a problem. At least that is what Saddettin says. I think it will help when we go there ourselves. They can't deny our existence and I want to have a family someday. For that I need Hananjii and so do you.”

“Not really, Serenity. I wouldn't need Hananjii, not with Blake. Family wouldn't be a problem, because there will be no family.” I concentrated on cutting evenly across the masses of icy blond hair. Serenity didn't answer, but I could sense her blood run cold in her veins.

“Would you give all that up for him?” she whispered, quite astonished.

“Yes.”

“Wow... I couldn't do that.” I found her eyes in the mirror. Behind the blond lashes and in the depth of her brown eyes I saw how much she wanted a family. It was to a degree that I had never imagined. As easily as I could give up the idea of a family, it would be impossible for her.

“Good thing that he's not marrying you then.” I grinned hoping to erase the tension.

”Changing the subject...When are you telling everyone?”

”Tonight, that is why I am here. Dinner, my place and don't tell anyone. We want to be the ones to do it. I think this kind of news needs to be delivered a certain way for it to go over smoothly. I just hope everyone will understand our choice.”

Serenity evaluated again. She knew me too well. “So who do you fear?”

“Avendia, Joshwin's mom. I don’t think she will understand. She barely talks to me since I made us break our bond.”

“Elvie, you can't really blame her. You hurt her son.”

“I know.” I answered as guilt jabbed at my gut. I finished cutting her hair and carefully handed her back the scissors, now that it seemed safe. Then, I folded her hair into a braid.

The final hours without judgment passed and time was up for us. Forks were scraping plates and wine touching palates, while people were chewing. My mind was buzzing and my palms were sweating. I was a wreck. Dew had gone all out with dinner. I was glad. I knew it was his way of telling me that he approved of my choices. People were cluelessly talking and enjoying a good time.

I feared the worst. My extended family wouldn't understand. I was placed between Joshwin and Blake and just waiting for the right moment to raise my voice to speak. Blake beside me was better at reeling in his anxiety. Joshwin on my other side was calm as ever. In our kind of life he should have been female. He was extremely good with situations like this where I was supposed to be the strong one. Dinner was coming to an end. My hands were too sweaty to hold the fork anymore, so I stopped attempting to eat anything.

”Do you want me to tell them?” Joshwin whispered. He didn't speak mental , while abiding by Blake’s rules. I looked up all wide-eyed. ”I'll take that as a yes,” he sighed knowingly

“You are so bad with nerves.” Blake chuckled. Joshwin placed a glass of warm spicy wine in front of me.

“Drink,” he ordered. ”Then I will start.” He paused looking past me. ”I think it will be better if you just keep quiet for now Blake.”

”Okay.” Blake agreed. His eyes found mine along with a hand around mine under the table. I stared at him for a long moment before he let me in to his thoughts. ”I love you and God your hands are clammy. Try to relax.”

I groaned and drew in a breath trying to center myself. Here we go. I stared at my soul mate then at Blake again. Resolution suddenly thundered through my veins. I would do as expected. I would be the head of my family. I poured a few drops of spicy wine into my mouth. I knew Joshwin by my side felt my emotions. I tilted my head slightly to meet his appreciative face. ”I love you.” I whispered under my breath.

”As I love you... go for it.” He smiled.

My eyes trailed to the end of the table where my mother sat watching my every move. She smiled calmly. I looked at down at my hand locked into Blake's. Emotions rushed through every cell of my body making me feel powerful. I latched on to the increasing humming coming from my second love. It was like I could feel blood rush in his hand and sense his heartbeat. We belonged together.

As we sat here, I could almost taste the remainders of our bond. We were strong, just like Joshwin and I. Blake had just taken his time to get used to our new circumstances. I followed the length of his arm to his face. “I love you.” I said.

“Right back at you... now?” His gray eyes tensed and his shoulders squared.

“Yes.” Happiness rushed through my limbs as I watched every face of my family. They had to know how I felt and my choice of second husband was not one they saw coming, by any means. I tightened my fingers around Blake's warm hand and lifted it from under the table into pain sight for everyone to see. I pulled our intertwined hands to my lips and kissed his skin. Then, I closed my eyes and smelled his sweet scent. This was right. Talking faded.

“Er... I think Elvie has something to say.” I opened my eyes and I was surprised to see Serenity smiling brilliantly without an ounce of aversion. It warmed me deeply that she was on my side. I found my dad's face. It was warm and understanding again. A tear of joy and pure happiness shaped itself at the corner of my eye. It lost to gravity and trickled down my cheek. Like a pro with awkward moments Blake softly wiped the tear with his thumb. The room was dead silent.

I lifted my head and spoke surprisingly calm. “You should all know I am in love again. Joshwin has given me his blessing and Blake has accepted to marry me.” It wasn't hard to speak the words with an air of a true matriarch. It came easier than breathing, like a reflex stretching its limbs.

Forks dropped, mouths hung open and absolutely no one blinked or breathed beside the people who already knew the truth. I found Avendia's eyes. She was totally confused and I was not to be trusted. I had disowned her son, because I didn’t love him, taken him back and now very soon I was moving on. She did not understand or condone. That much was clear, but she held her tongue. Disappointment washed through her eyes like a tsunami. I understood and prayed someday that she would forgive me.

Chrystan broke the silence. “Oh man... Blake you're in over your head.” He snickered.

“Tell me about it, but I guess I can't help how I feel.” He grinned shortly.

“Congrats!” Chrystan said. I appreciated his honesty and willingness to break the silence. On people’s faces, I could see there were things they wanted to say, but didn't. I wasn't sure if that was a bad thing. Perhaps, people needed time to get used to the idea of someone from the outside joining our family. It would take a few days to sink in. We wanted to tell them, so we did. I would leave it at that for now.

“I am proud of you,” Joshwin said under his breath, while tense chatter picked up again.

”Was that the way things were supposed to go?” Blake whispered.

“As well as could be expected,” I answered feeling lighter than air inside. At least now, everyone knew and there would be no more sneaking around.

“Why didn't you tell me Elvirina?” Saddettin came to my side, when the table was cleared and food put away.

“What? Serenity kept a secret from you? I only got his answer this morning, otherwise I would have told you.” I chewed my lip for a second while I studied his dark face. ”Why are you snooping around all of a sudden? You normally never do that.”

“Sure, I do. I am just clever about it.” His broad mouth shaped a gleeful smile. “But I am very happy for you. My feelings tell me that he’s a good match for you… and Joshwin.”

“Thanks. Joshwin was awesome as usual. I don't know how he can be so calm all the time.” I looked over my shoulder to find his beautiful face. He was lost in conversation with his spiritual father, Selan, and Chrystan.

“Because he loves you and your strength is your soul mate.”

“I know. He really is.” My eyes shifted back to Saddettin.

“Congratulations again,” Saddettin said before he trotted off to find Serenity. I scanned the room as conversations shifted. Blake smiled from across the room where Dad and Junius had cornered him. I could only imagine how much fun that conversation was. Chrystan intervened to generously aid Blake. I glanced over the room to where Selan was with Saddettin and Serenity, but Joshwin was missing now. Passing to the kitchen, I wanted to thank Dew for the wonderful dinner, but instead I located Joshwin's voice. It was below me to eavesdrop, but the woman that he was with stopped me from entering the kitchen. Instinctively, I knew Dew wasn't in that room. I listened to the soft female voice.

“Why are you doing this so soon?” she asked somberly.

“I love her mom.” Joshwin said gently.

“I told you once that you would do right by her, but perhaps it was time she did right by you.”

”Mom...”

“I am just saying... it’s much too soon for this kind of development. And him?” I leaned frozen against the wall. My ears were literally tuning in to pick up every word said in the kitchen.

“She's happy. More than you could ever understand. I cannot deny her that.”

”I'm not saying you have to, but I just wish it wasn't at your expense. Something isn't right between the three of you. I know you will never tell me why, but you have changed so much Joshwin and not all of it is in a good way. You are my son, you are hurting and I think it is because of Elvirina and perhaps this human boy.” Avendia still spoke softly, but did she know just how true her own words were?

“Don't do this mom,” Joshwin begged.

“I love Elvirina like a daughter, but I cannot see reason to your choices. Sibilla swore that she was right when we moved. I am not so sure anymore.”

Joshwin's voice hardened. “Please mom. Don't do this. Elvirina is my soul mate and that is all there is to it. Blake will be my brother and her second husband. That is what we have decided, because we both want it. She is mine! Sibilla was right. Elvirina and I belong together. I have no doubts that we will shape our lives the way we see fit.” Joshwin paused and sighed heavily. ”I wish you would not bring this up ever again, especially not to Elvirina.”

“Okay. I am sorry, son. I have spoken my mind and I will never say another word.”

“Thanks, mom,” Joshwin said quieter.

My back melted into the wall. At least Joshwin had more faith in us than I thought, but it was devastating to know how much his mother disapproved of me. I could see our choices in the light of her eyes. They were not attractive or understandable. I escaped the chatter in the communal room and slipped out the back door into the darkness outside. I needed a few minutes of alone time. I jumped the stairs of the porch and landed on the frozen ground with my bare feet. I tilted my head back into the night sky and followed the pulse of the Earth as it ran underneath my soles. I moved so the wind could sweep firmly over my face, as I let the strength of my creator run through me.

“Why are you hiding?” A warm voice said from behind me. I wheeled around to find Blake just at the top of the stairs. Light from the door broke on the side of his face.

”I'm not hiding,” I answered. “What about you?”

”I needed some fresh air and two minutes of quiet time.” Blake's twitching smile reminded me that his latest conversation was with Kasardian. He held his arms out to welcome me into the safety of his embrace. I took the invitation, jumped the stairs and nestled against his chest. I craned my neck up to watch his elegant face. I put what I had heard in the kitchen to the back of my mind.

”Everybody being nice to you?” I asked.

”Yes, surprisingly so, but there are a few hostile looks among them.”

”Avendia?” Okay, conversation not forgotten or stashed away. My heart bled for what Joshwin was doing for me. How deep his love ran.

“Yep.”

I locked my arms tighter around Blake's waist. I chose my words carefully. No reason to add to a brewing fire with the complications of gossip. I understood her. I wanted to be fair to Avendia, so I diverged. “Give her some time, but when do you want to tell your parents? Or have you told them already?”

“No. I am not planning on telling them either. Someday, but not yet.” Blake tilted his head to my level. His lips softly touched mine in a sweet kiss.

“Why?”

“There's no reason to tell them, besides I have a family now and the people who need to know about us are here tonight. The rest can wait.”

“Whenever you want to tell your parents is fine with me.”

“Thanks. I love you.” Blake's lips touched mine and became more demanding.

“Right back at you,” I whispered against his mouth. My lips were parted and there was no immediate need for talk. A sizzling humming coiled up my spine and warm brushes of his tongue reminded me how delicious Blake tasted. It teased my hormones relentlessly. I wanted him and he was mine. I didn't have to wait much longer to have all of him. My fingers searched his bare skin above his jeans. He hummed in delight and pulled me closer, but he broke the kiss.

”I have a few more questions. It’s about the wedding. I know the traditional stuff from my world. Would you want any of that? I mean the dress, cake, honeymoon, or party?”

“No thank you... please. If that is okay with you?” None of those things mattered the least bit to me.

“Fine. I just want you to know you can have them, if you want. However, I wouldn't mind a few days of undivided attention.” He smiled unashamed and his eyes gleaming through the darkness. My heart pumped a few heavy thuds and a sudden wind blew icicled gusts across the porch. The freezing wind jabbed at my thin shirt and bare feet. I controlled my friend and huddled closer into Blake arms. Time alone with Blake was enticing, but not practical at this point in time.

“Perhaps later. Joshwin,” I answered simply, knowing Blake would understand.

”I know,” he sighed softly, resting his chin on top of my head.

”How come you are so good at this life? Are you never scared?” I snuggled my face against his shirt. I listened to the thudding just behind the skin. It calmed my fluctuating insides to listen to the rhythm of a beating heart.

”No. I don't know why. I feel at home here. You have given me a home so fast, proving just how much I needed one. You have given me everything that I could ever want without even trying. Well, that is what I am scared of... going back to a time before you after knowing how good life can actually be. That one day, I would have to make do without you.” He wrapped his hands around my hair. “And Joshwin, he’s coming around more and more every day. Even without you, he is someone that I would want to have as a friend. He never judges or forces me to do anything, well besides steering clear of your pants that is. He lets me be no matter how stupid I act.”

“So you are happy here?”

“More than I thought possible. You broke all my defenses, Elvirina. You steered right for my heart and stole it.”

“I battled to keep you out of my heart, but you hit me with a bull’s eye.” I lifted my face up and pressed my lips to his skin, just below his jaw. It was as high as I could reach. He was so tall.

“Even if it wasn't mine to take.” He placed his hands at my throat, rubbing my neck with his fingertips tenderly.

“It is now.”

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“Sorry to interrupt.” Joshwin said, banging the door behind him.

“It's okay,” Blake answered. I turned giving Blake opportunity to end the embrace, when surprisingly he didn't. Normally, he would never show any kind of affection when Joshwin was around. Tonight, he gently folded his arms around me and pulled my back against his chest, letting me rest backwards in his warm arms.

“I just about had it with people questioning if I am mentally competent,” Joshwin groaned, bumping against the wall with a thud.

“I was sure at least a few people had figured out what the hell we were doing, but I guess not,” Blake said.

“No one knew. Well, I told Serenity this afternoon, but that was it.”

“How did she take it? I was expecting a few choice words from her, so imagine my disappointment when she was nice.” The chuckle in Blake's throat rasped behind me, even Joshwin smiled and grinned.

“Well, she had them. Let's just keep it at that,” I said, thinking what Serenity threatened when I informed her.

Joshwin's smile fell and like so many times before. He was working up to something. I could only hope that it was good. “Um... Blake, I wanted to... er. This morning, I could have been nicer. I honestly think you have proven yourself. You are not half the ass that you used to be. So, I wanted to say welcome and er...”

“Oh God, stop that! You're giving me the creeps, but on a serious note, thank you, that means a lot.”

“You're welcome.”

I tried to be discrete about swallowing around the lump in my throat. “Ah... Elvia, you are such a crybaby.” Blake grinned.

”I know. I'm just so happy. I can't help it.” I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, while I laughed. I looked at Joshwin, who smiled warmly. An arrow of fear shot through me, at this moment I had so much to lose.

“Just be happy, Elvie. It’s okay,” Joshwin said instantly picking up on my sudden mood drop. His eyes shifted from me to the person behind me a few times. ”I er... I can spend the night in my own room... if you wish?” He said carefully. It went deadly silent.

“I am trying so fucking hard not to get uncomfortable right now, but not tonight,” Blake said and drew a careful deep breath. His arms gripped firmer around my shoulders.

Remembering what Avendia had said to Joshwin earlier that I should do right by him also. I felt no rejection from Blake, because I knew his reason to turn down Joshwin's offer. Respect. I also knew he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. “We'll wait...” I answered quietly. “Until we are married.” I watched Joshwin's face knowing he would read between the lines. Giving him one final opportunity to claim what by bond was his. This was his last chance.

“Okay.” Joshwin nodded in clear comprehension.

Light streamed from the door when it opened again and my best friend stepped out. “So tingle boy... one hair harmed and you will be playing basketball on your elbows and knees. Consider yourself warned.” Serenity smiled viciously. Closely behind her, Saddettin followed shaking his head.

“There we go. That was exactly what I expected from you, Blondie. It doesn't really suit you to be nice.” Blake bantered, delighted that he was getting what he wanted and basically knew how to handle.

Chrystan joined us shortly after another round of snarls and heartless provocative behavior. I stayed put in Blake helpful warmth on this late January evening. All of us being together, talking and laughing overwhelmed my flossy emotions. I got teary eyed more than once. Just after midnight, people started saying goodnight and moved to their rooms or homes.

I stared at my face in the mirror. I felt so different, but I looked so much the same. I peeled my shirt off and pants next. I snapped my bra open and slid my panties down. I looked at my naked body. There was no difference apart from the handprint burned into my skin. Blake really had stolen my heart. I put my fingers to the uneven skin, felling the life pulse and pump under my palm. I was alive and I was happy. I only had one final thing to ask for today. I brushed my teeth and washed my face. I combed my hair, fixing a few strands and pushed it behind my shoulder. This was my final weapon – Joshwin’s last chance. He could take it or not. Not that I was indifferent, but my offering and patience was spent. He had encouraged me to move on and I would do that with one final gesture for him to take what was his. I flipped off the light and returned to my bedroom. Naked.

Joshwin sat by the window with the glass pushed up. Unable to hide the full length of his astonishment, Joshwin smiled when he saw me. That at least was a good sign. I stepped in front of him, which forced him to deal with what was missing between us. He honestly looked at my body, really looked, while not hiding his eyes or refusing to acknowledge me. I laced my fingers into his and brought his fingers to my lips. His palm cupped my cheek tenderly. “Take what is yours, Joshwin.” My voice deepened into a silky whisper. Joshwin moistened his bottom lip. His free hand came around my back and he drew his palm from my shoulder down over the curve of my backside, slowly feeling my shape and showing me how good it would feel if he finally let go of his pain.

It had been months, since we had even been this close. It was hard to control my breath at this simple caress. His hand at my back drew me closer. The palm against my cheek, turned and fingertips eased carefully over my throat, crossing my collarbone, to the swell of my breast and down to my hipbone. His eyes followed his fingers touching me. It was lighting a lustful darkness deep in the blue of his eyes, but it wasn't enough. To the core of my bones, I knew that. Joshwin's eyes found mine again. I could see he knew that I knew. He didn't have to use words to reject me this time. However, this time it was different. He had looked at me the way I wanted him to. Not feeling the devastation of rejection, I bent to kiss him. Then, he would be free of me and what I so desperately wanted us to share. Turning away, he grabbed my wrist.

“Don't get dressed,” he whispered with still lips. The deeper shade of blue was still present in his eyes. I changed direction and crawled under the sheets wearing nothing. Joshwin followed and slipped in next to me. Nothing happened, but for one short night, we were a little bit closer.

The next few days were an endless battle avoiding alone time with Blake. A second of privacy was a struggle for us both to convince each other to keep trouble at the door and keep our promise. We set rules ensuring that we would behave and keep hands and needs descent at all times. I fought hard at night not to pass the door to my room and enter Blake's. A simple dimpled smile sent my blood rushing to my stomach and the insides of my legs tingle. Blake's new hobby seemed to be raw exploitation of what he could do to me. He didn't even have to try. It could be a simple kiss below my ear a short second after Dew left the kitchen. A hand would gently graze up my back, when I finally was able to concentrate on a sketch. Other times, it was a private whisper making me drop my book. The days became a strange erotic dance around each other. I was more uncontrolled than I had ever been and it could be set in motion by a simple look across the table. Our needs were raging silently between us. If something didn't happen soon, it would explode in our faces.

“You two are disgusting.” Serenity complained when Thursday arrived. “He's worse than Joshwin.” I did remember what this time was like with Joshwin, but that time had gone and with it took what we had never done. Serenity just didn't know that.

“We're not that bad.” I replied.

“You could do to Blake what you did to Joshwin. Remember?” she said. Oh yes, I did remember that. I also remembered how it ended. My dad had stopped us at the porch and after that, it was all downhill.

”No,” I answered sternly. I couldn't risk everything blowing up in my face again. I'd learned my lesson the first time. I wasn't about to have a second suicide attempt on my hands. The price was too high.

Kasardian took Blake under his wing. I could only imagine how uncomfortable some of the topics that Kasardian would open were. I had tried it a few times, but I knew my dad’s motives were only to make sure that he understood all the rules of the family he was entering. Blake put on a good face and again made no complaints.

Pained lines in Joshwin's face deepened over the next few days. I knew his worry about what was to come. I wished that I had someone else here going through the same stages of life as us. Someone to watch, study and allow me to see how he would deal with this moment. I was beyond excited to marry Blake, but I worried about Joshwin's sensitive heart.

I spoke to Saddettin for help. He was the only one here that I could talk to. Previously, he had had a good ear to listen, but not even Saddettin could calm my worries. His words usually were so wise and carefully thought out. This time, they were wise again, but they didn't help.

The heated electricity between Blake and I made Joshwin steer clear of the house as much as possible. Kasardian said it was respectful to leave Blake and I space, but deep down I was convinced it was something more. Joshwin couldn't bear to be around us. I didn't blame him. I couldn't control my feelings for Blake. I couldn't find a way to shield Joshwin from the torture. The gray areas in my mind had no effect now. It was impossible to conceal anything. No matter how much I tried.

Today was the climax. Tonight, I was marrying Blake and breaking Joshwin's heart all over again. Joshwin hadn't made any indications that he wanted to make sure our bond was protected. I couldn't help him. Only he could make that decision. He knew that. Only Joshwin had the power to decide when our bond would be completed and time just ran out. Blake was officially entering our family.